Pay No Attention

Ask a Grouchy Woman: Menage or not?

Dear Grouchy Woman:

I moved into this hot Santa Monica Apartment under false pretenses.  You see,  these two righteous babes already lived there and needed a roommate.  When they found out I was a chef-in-training, they invited me to move in with them.  The catch?  We had to convince the landlord that I was gay.  Not that there is anything wrong with it.  As a matter of fact, just between you and me I wouldn't kick Brad Pitt out of bed for eating crackers.  That's just between us though.

Now comes the hard part (so to speak).  My two roomies are totally hot.  I think I even like talking to them.  The brunette is totally cute, clever, and (dare I say it) ...  sassy.  The blonde pretends to be dumb, but I know she could be a well regarded author one day, once she finally transcends the prevailing cultural biases and prejudices against well-stacked blondes.  Bottom line ... I am starting to have feelings for these two women ... or at least I am having strong yearnings towards a weekend romp through the splendor in the grass or with the two of them or something like that.  Still, I don't want to blow a fine living arrangement by freaking them out and suggesting something that might gross them out and cause them to develop nausea or epilepsy or something.  I also don't want to get arrested or become homeless.  Further, I can't let Mr. Roper catch on (should Chrissy and Janet actually go along with this) because then he will know I am not gay (and no one believes bisexuals even exist) and he will kick me out of the apartment.  Could we ever look at each other the same afterwards? Do you think Brad Pitt would join us?  What about Angelina?  Do they even exist?  Should I just take up another hobby?

Sincerely,

Jack

* * * * *

Dear Jack: 

You have two separate but related issues here.  Issue one: do you risk blowing a fine living arrangement by propositioning your roommates?   Issue two: how do you keep Mr. Roper from guessing that you dig the chicks and kicking you out of the apartment. 

With regard to issue one -- absolutely!  What are you going to do, live there for years in a state of continual frustration?  Grow a couple and proposition them already.    If they freak out, say you were just kidding around.  At least the blonde one will believe you.

Assuming you solve issue one to your satisfaction, I suggest you recruit the services of an attractive randy male friend that all three of you find attractive (let's call him "Larry") and have a foursome instead of a threesome.  If Mr. Roper should somehow catch you in the act (perhaps he was hiding in the closet from Mrs. Roper?), just pretend you're only interested in Larry, and included the girls solely to please him.  Then invite Mr. Roper to join you and Larry.  The worst thing that can happen is that Roper takes you up on it.

Sincerely,

Grouchy Woman

P.S. -- Forget about Brad and Angelina.  They'll never get a sitter.

Ask a Grouchy Woman: Petty Cash?

Dear Grouchy Woman:

Several months ago, a friend of mine didn't have enough money when a bunch of us went out to dinner.  I spotted him $19.  He still hasn't paid me back.  I'm annoyed by it, but I feel petty asking him to pay me back.  Shouldn't he have remembered without my having to remind him?  What should I do?

Sincerely,

Petty, Out Of Resources, Mad and Nasty

* * * * *

Dear POOR MAN:

Yes, he should have remembered without you reminding him.  But after all, this is a guy who forgot to get cash before going out to dinner.  Well-meaning people sometimes space out, especially on small debts.  They shouldn't, but they do.  And as you know yourself, sometimes the lender spaces out too.  Your friend probably isn't being a deliberate deadbeat (if you really suspect he is, you should reconsider the friendship).

Grouchy Woman hates asking people to pay her back, but she's discovered that sometimes that's the only way she sees the money.  She's learned the hard way never to lend money to someone she doesn't feel comfortable nudging with a friendly reminder.   Her favorite time to give such a reminder is the very next time she sees the person, if the debtor doesn't promptly bring up the subject himself, and her favorite way is to ask the debtor to spot her for dinner, a drink or a movie:  "Hey Frank, if you cover me for a couple of beers, we'll be square for the movie last week."  The key is to do it in a friendly, cheery way, rather than sounding like you've been brooding about nothing else since you've last seen your friend.

The problem arises when you forget to do that, your friend also forgets, and months pass by before you realize your friend never paid you.  At that point, while you're still totally entitled to be paid back, you begin to feel uncomfortable and petty asking your buddy to pay back the $9 you spotted him for an order of fried calamari.  At least that's how Grouchy Woman feels.  That said, if Grouchy Woman were the flaky debtor herself, she would much prefer that her friend remind her rather than feeling resentful and angry about it.   

Taking all of that into account, here are some general guidelines Grouchy Woman applies to such situations: 

(1)  Regardless of the size of the debt, if GW remembers the debt promptly, she'll give a friendly reminder to the debtor.  

(2)  If it is a debt of, say, $15 or more (it depends a little on who the debtor is -- GW cuts some people more slack than others), she will ask about it, even if a fair amount of time has gone by and she's seen the person a few times, provided she can remember exactly the circumstance under which she lent the money (as opposed to the vague sense that someone owes her $15 from something, somewhere).  Again, it's important to ask in a nice way that makes it clear you don't think the person is deliberately withholding the money. 

(3)  If the debt is less than $15, and a month or more has passed, Grouchy Woman grumbles a bit to herself and then lets it go, financially and emotionally -- it's not worth it to her to pursue it or hold a grudge. 

Grouchy Woman might reduce or raise the trigger amount, depending on the closeness of the friendship and the financial position of the respective parties.  Also, if you are seriously going to brood about it and hold a grudge, Grouchy Woman recommends that you pursue it regardless of how small the amount is.

So, applying that rule to your situation, and assuming this is a good friend, Grouchy Woman recommends that the next time you see your buddy, you say, in a cheerful, teasing kind of way: "Hey Frank, this one's on you -- remember that dinner at Luigi's in October?  I spotted you $19, you deadbeat, and you still owe me." (Leave out the "deadbeat" reference if it's not a really good friend.)

Sincerely,

Grouchy Woman 

P.S. to various readers --   BAP: GW has not forgotten that she has a couple of your books.  They were excellent, and she will give them back to you the next time she sees you.  She'd be glad to meet up expressly for that purpose.  L: you have two of GW's books, and she has one of yours. Yours had a wonderful time with GW, but it is homesick.  R: you've had that DVD for a year, for chrissake.  Watch it already before the DVD format is completely outmoded.   M: GW still has one of your bowls from J's shower.  GW keeps forgetting to bring it to you.  She is very sorry.  Please conk GW over the head with the bowl when GW gives it back to you.

Does GW owe you anything?  Let her know!

Ask a Grouchy Woman: Saving Herself for the Funeral?

Dear Grouchy Woman:

I have been dating my girlfriend for almost two years, and we've been living together for more than a year. I love her and want to marry her some day.  We're very compatible, like the same movies, etc., and we find each other attractive.  However, the problem is that we don't have sex anymore.  We had sex a couple of times a week during the first couple months of our relationship, but then she seemed to lose interest.  At this point, we haven't had sex in nearly a year.  I've tried to approach her and to talk about this, but she always says she's tired or stressed out.  I know she's been really stressed about work lately and I don't want to put pressure on her or be insensitive, but I really do miss the physical aspect of our relationship.  How would you recommend I handle this?  Should I wait until she's less stressed out to broach the subject?

Sincerely,

Frustrated

* * * * *

Dear Frustrated:

How do you handle this?  You dump her, that's how you handle it.  Grouchy Woman is frustrated just listening to you.

Let Grouchy Woman get this straight -- you went from sex a couple times a week (Woo hoo!) to no sex at all for over a year.  That would be, let's see, about 50% of the relationship and practically the entire time you've been living together.  And during all that time she's always been too tired and stressed out to talk about it?  Grouchy Woman has news for you, Frustrated -- if you're going to  "wait until she's less stressed out to broach the subject," you'll have time to watch a looooooootttttttt of movies.

You're not in high school, Frustrated.  You're not virgins saving yourselves for marriage, and neither of you is in a coma (although you may as well be).  If you think you're not getting any now, wait'll you get married and you'll see what frustrated is all about.  Why on earth would you stay in this situation?  It's not like you're staying together because of the kids.  Keep this up, and you're never going to have any kids.

Sincerely,

Grouchy Woman

Ask a Grouchy Woman: Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Dear Grouchy Woman:

Whose hair do you like better: Richie Sambora or Jon Bon Jovi?

Sincerely, 

Leif Garrett

* * * * *

Dear LG:

Sambora.  Bon Jovi's a de-follicled sellout.  But I don't suppose that bothers you any, you short-haired freak.

Sincerely,

Grouchy Woman

Ask a Grouchy Woman: What price the swing voter?

Dear Grouchy Woman:  

I will vote for one more hypocritical, petit bourgeoisie, middle-of-the-road, sell-out, conservative-in-progressive-clothing democrat this November.  I always do.  I think I still have a Dukakis button for chrissakes.  I will not waffle and vote for the libertarian silver fox.  No I won’t.  Even still, should Mr. Obama win I will be preparing to protest his backwards approach to healthcare, education, … and his support for expanding the death penalty to cases that do not involve murder!  Yes, not satisfied with our tepid support for the death penalty exemplified by our killin’est governors of all time (the Bush brothers), he supports expanding the death penalty to include cases involving sex crimes against children. Well, I too will go out on a risky political limb and courageously say to all the voters that I too am outraged by the rape of children. Nevertheless, am I the only person in the country who thinks that expanding the death penalty might be heading in the wrong direction? Hell, even that A-hole GW [Bush] hasn’t expanded the use of the death penalty (though he has taken impressive steps in expanding our use of torture and wiping away our civil liberties).  I see execution for crimes against America (loosely defined – e.g., failing to say “the pledge”) on the horizon after a one-two punch from a “good ol’ boy” who hates freedom and democracy and a fake liberal who thinks our current death penalty is far too exclusive.

With deepest sincerity,

Southpaw

* * * * *

Dear Southpaw:

As a deeply disenchanted Democratic voter herself, GW knows of what you speak.  Therefore, although you have only asked one question in your letter, and Grouchy Woman knows it is a rhetorical one, Grouchy Woman shall publish your letter because it gives her a lovely chance to rant and rave herself.

First, to answer your question, no, you are not the only person in the country who thinks that expanding the death penalty might be heading in the wrong direction. Grouchy Woman agrees with you.  She'd like to see child rapists locked up forever, along with other criminals who commit truly heinous crimes and are likely to commit them again, but the idea of expanding the death penalty to non-lethal crimes scares her, and she shares your trepidation about the slippery slope that could occur.

But here are some related questions you didn't ask.  What the @%$ is up with Obama, anyway?  And why the hell aren't more of his supporters disturbed by his recent shenanigans? Suddenly he wants to provide $500 million for faith-based initiatives?  HUH?  Where'd that come from?  What about his 180 on campaign finance ? And on the FISA bill?  What about his embracing and then tossing aside his church and his pastor and his long-standing friends?  And what's he really going to do about the Iraq war -- no, really, what's he really going to do?  What the hell is he really going to do about health care and education? 

What the hell does the man stand for, anyway?  Can anyone tell Grouchy Woman?

And doesn't it bother anyone that Obama's strategy during primary season was to say absolutely nothing substantive, so as to let Hillary take all the potentially dangerous stands, and to avoid comparison with her, but now that he's up against McCain, suddenly he's reversing former positions and sounding like Reagan II?  Please, please, please  -- this must bother someone else besides Grouchy Woman! 

Damn it, Emperor Obama has no clothes!  He's no Messiah -- he's a f**king televangelist!  His claims that he'll heal the planet and the sick and stop the rise of the oceans are unmitigated scary cultish-sounding bullshit!  Don't you see?  Oh please, please, please -- someone tell Grouchy Woman you do see! 

Don't we have someone better out there, or at least more honest and sincere?  And won't he or she jump into the race as a third party candidate?

Sincerely,

Grouchy Woman

Things Grouchy Woman Has Learned the Hard Way (Part I: Dating)

Inspired by PISS ME OFF's recent letter and her own upcoming birthday, Grouchy Woman has decided to do a column or two about things she has learned the hard way.   In honor of PISS ME OFF, she is starting with things she's learned over the course of never-you-mind-how-many years of dating.  She's going to cheat a bit, if you don't mind, and include things she's learned by watching friends, male and female, learn stuff the hard way.  

Don't waste your time on someone who isn't interested.

•      If he/she indicates that he/she not interested, move on immediately and do not pursue it. Do not waste time pining after someone who isn't interested in you.
•      If he/she stands you up without calling, he/she is not only not interested, he/she is also an inconsiderate shit.  Do not give him/her another second of your time unless he/she was unconscious, in a coma, or trapped somewhere with no possibility of calling.
•      If he or she cancels a date without a really good reason, even if he/she calls, he/she is not interested.  Don't waste your time.
•      If he/she is "busy" or cancels dates more than once, without making an affirmative suggestion for another plan to get together, he/she is not interested. Move on.
•     If he/she wants to bring along a friend when you suggest a date, he/she is not romantically interested.
•     Ladies, if you flirt with a guy and he doesn't make a move, he's not interested, even if he flirts back. Some guys could spend years flirting without actually being interested.  If he's flirting, he's neither shy nor "intimidated," and he's aware of your interest.  He's just not interested.
•     Men, no matter how much she flirts, if she always has other plans when you ask her out, she's not interested.  Some women could spend years flirting with you and still never go out with you.  If she were interested, she'd find time in her busy schedule for you.
•     If he/she doesn't call you back, he/she's not interested (or else she's a strict follower of "The Rules", in which case you don't want her).
•     If you're doubting whether he or she is really interested, he or she is not interested.

If you want a relationship and not a fling, it's usually best to be a bit old-fashioned about the first date or two. 

•      As I noted above, ladies, if he were interested in you, he'd make a move.  No move, no real interest.  For that reason, in heterosexual relationships, if you're looking for a relationship rather than a fling, by and large it works better if the woman lets the man do the initial asking out/hitting on. Go ahead and shoot Grouchy Woman.  Men say they like to be hit on; but Grouchy Woman's analysis demonstrates that men always seem to be much more interested in women they pursue than in women who pursue them. Twenty-first century Grouchy Woman's ass; our primitive brains are still stuck in the Paleolithic.  If things go well, ask him out for the second date, but let him ask you out for the first date.  (This rule does not apply if you are already friends and suddenly find yourselves snogging after a couple of cabernets, or if you are fine with a fling.)
•     On the same note, ladies, (assuming you followed the rule above and let him ask) let him pay for the first date.  You pay for the second (or maybe the third) date.  Grouchy Woman used to be one of those chicks who always insisted on paying half the check on a first date, until she did a survey of her male friends, who without exception stated that they saw that as a sign a woman wasn't interested in them.   Also, they said that if they were at all interested, they'd insist on paying.  Perhaps it's the Paleolithic thing again.  Insist on equality (financial and otherwise) in the relationship, not the first date.  Grouchy Woman will make an exception if you are friends who merge into lovers -- you've no doubt been going dutch the whole time you've known each other and there's no reason that should change now.
•      That said, ladies, if you asked him out, YOU pay.  And yes, I mean the entire check, not just your share.  The rule is, he/she who asks pays.  You can't ask someone out and then expect them to pay for your dinner.  Again, Grouchy Woman will make an exception for friends merging into lovers.
•      Ladies, after the first date, whip out the wallet.  If he really insists, you might let him pay for the second and maybe even the third date, but after that you should be carrying your weight.   Grouchy Woman advocates the Paleolithic rule only at the very onset of a relationship.  After that, haul your ass right back to the 21st century and carry your weight in the relationship.   You don't have to get a calculator and split every check down the middle, but you should be reciprocating.
•      Men, if you asked her out on that first date, pay for the entire check.  Even if she offers to split the check.  Feminist or not, I don't know any woman who won't appreciate that gesture.  Feel free to take her up on any offers to split or take care of any checks on future dates.  (My favorite response a guy gave me to my offer to split a check on a first date was "I'm getting the first three.  After that, you can take me out.")  
•      Men, if you've had three dates, and on the fourth she has still never made a move for her wallet, press the dump button.  She likes your wallet, not you, or else she's a worthless sponging princess.  (Not necessarily true for the first couple of dates -- her male friends may be advising her the same way Grouchy Woman's did.) 
•      Men, if you are interested in her, ask her out.  Don't wait around for her to make the first move.  Most of us won't do it.  And in any event, we like it when you do it.  The worst thing that happens is that she says no.
•      The first date need not be, and indeed, should not be, an all-out-expensive dinner.  Keep it simple and low-key.  (To be honest, if someone pulls out all too many stops on the very first date, I rather feel like he's trying to buy his way into my pants.)  Coffee or drinks is totally fine.  You can always extend the evening if it's going well.  Or do dinner at a fun, low-key place (but not McDonalds, unless you are in high school).
•      Don't sleep with him or her on the first date unless sex is all you want.  Yes, Grouchy Woman knows that your good friend Rhonda slept with her husband Hank on the first date, but that's not generally what happens.  Wait at least a date or two and get to know him or her.  Grouchy Woman grants an exception to couples who are friends and merge into lovers.

If you're not interested, don't waste your time or his/hers.

•     If you know you're not interested in a date, say no nicely, but say no.  Don't keep making excuses and hoping he/she will get the hint.
•     If you know you want to break up, break up already!  You're hurting him/her much more by dragging it out, and you are wasting his/her time.
•     If you're always wondering whether you should break up, you should.  At the very least, you should be having a very frank talk.
•     If there's someone else you'd rather be dating than your significant other, even if that person is unavailable -- hello, you are with the wrong person.  Move on and find someone you are actually interested in.
•     If you don't think he or she is fantastic, press the dump button.
•     If you know that he/she is in love with you, and you're just fooling around, you have a moral obligation to be completely straight with him/her about your feelings and intentions.  Frankly, Grouchy Woman thinks you have a moral obligation to break it off, but she'll cut you some slack if you're at least up-front with your feelings.
•     If you feel this person or this relationship is beneath you, break up.  For his sake even more than for yours.  Stop wasting his time.
•    If you are staying with someone solely because you think you can't find something better, break up and get some counseling. 
•    If you are staying with someone solely because you are afraid of being alone, break up and get some counseling.
•    You're not going to find Mr./Ms. Right while you are dating Mr./Ms. Wrong. 
•    The "friend with benefits" thing only works if neither party wants more.  Usually, someone does, at least after a while.  If your "friend with benefits" wants to get serious with you, or vice versa, it's time to end it unless you both feel the same way.  Otherwise, what you have is "friends with drama".

Break up cleanly and nicely.

•     Break up cleanly.  Don't keep changing your mind.  Don't keep sleeping together.  One of you inevitably cares more, and dragging out the agony just hurts that person more.  And you probably need some time apart before you can be friends.  The breaker-upper has a moral responsibility not to give false hope to the break-upee.
•      You should not give someone detailed reasons why you are breaking up with someone, nor should you ask for detailed reasons from someone breaking up with you.  "It's not working out", "It's not you, it's me", and "I'm just not ready for a serious relationship" are time-honored classics for a reason.  It serves no purpose whatsoever to explain that you can't stand the way he picks his teeth and she doesn't do it for you in bed.  It just hurts. Talk about flaws and problems only if you're trying to work on them and make the relationship work. 
•      If your ex does not want any contact with you, respect that (unless there are children involved and he or she is preventing you from seeing them, or there's some property issue with the divorce you need to settle).  Don't keep pushing yourself and your friendship at him or her.  Yes, I know you miss him, but a break-up is a break-up, a divorce is a divorce. 

Don't waste your time on someone you can't trust.

•     If you're not sure you can trust him/her, that's a warning sign in itself. 
•     If you find yourself snooping through his/her emails looking for signs you can't trust him/her, you're either a psycho or you don't trust him/her.  Either way, it's break up time. 
•     If he/she cheats, press the dump button. 
•     If he/she lies about something big, press the dump button
•     If he/she lies about something small, be extremely cautious.  It's a red flag.
•     If his/her behavior is mysterious and erratic, that is an extremely bad sign.  If you are always wondering why he or she does certain things, press the dump button.  (Ask about it first, if you want, but if you still don't get it, press that button.  Mysterious and erratic is not good.)
•     If his/her behavior is weird or rude or erratic or unreliable during the beginning of the relationship, if will only get worse as the relationship goes on.  Much worse.  Cut your losses and press the dump button now.
•     If he/she already has a spouse or a significant other, and he/she's hitting on you, you can't trust him or her.  Not ever.  Stay the hell away.  (Unless he/she has an open relationship, in which case you should be able to check that out with the spouse, huh?  And if you do get involved with someone in an open relationship, make sure that all you really want is to fool around, because that's all he or she wants.)  Don't be an idiot.  If he is cheating on someone else with you, what makes you think he's going to break off the other relationship?  And even if he did, what about his behavior leads you to think he wouldn't cheat on you with someone else?
•    If you are only dating him or her, and he or she is dating other people or is married to someone else, or vice versa, your situation is by definition fucked up.
•     Directly or indirectly, people will usually tell you what kind of person they are and what they're after, if you are smart enough to listen and pay attention to their behavior.  Pay attention!
•     If he/she tells you he's not ready for a serious relationship, he or she is telling you the truth, at least with regard to you.  Grouchy Woman guarantees you will not change his or her mind.  Don't waste your valuable time trying.

Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't trust you.

•      If he/she wants you to drop all friends of the opposite sex (or all friends period), PRESS THE DUMP BUTTON.  NOW. 
•      If he or she snoops through your emails, mail, desk, etc., PRESS THE DUMP BUTTON.  NOW.
•      If he or she is always making unfounded accusations that you are cheating, and you are not cheating, PRESS THE DUMP BUTTON.  NOW.

Don't waste your time on someone who isn't a good person.

•     If he or she hits you, PRESS THE DUMP BUTTON.  NOW.
•     If you are afraid of him or her in any way, PRESS THE DUMP BUTTON.  NOW.
•     If he or she belittles you or treats you rudely or condescendingly, PRESS THE DUMP BUTTON.  NOW. 
•     If he or she stands you up or cheats on you, PRESS THE DUMP BUTTON.  NOW.
•     If you spend a significant amount of time being unhappy about the relationship, PRESS THE DUMP BUTTON.  NOW. 
•     If he or she is rude to your family or your friends, that's a deal killer.  PRESS THE DUMP BUTTON.  NOW.
•     If he or she is rude to wait-staff, taxi drivers, or the check-out clerk at the supermarket, PRESS THE DUMP BUTTON.  NOW.  That's a really good window into someone's true character. 
•    If a significant portion of your friends and family members do not like him or her, at least listen to them and take a good long look.  They may be totally wrong.  But if a lot of people who love you and want the best for you think someone sucks, you might be letting your genitals lead you down the primrose path.
•     If you find yourself regularly complaining about his or her behavior to your friends and family, something is seriously wrong.  Ditto if you are constantly fighting about stupid crap.  Press the dump button before you drive yourself and everyone you know crazy.
•     If he or she has no friends, that's a bad sign. 
•     If you find yourself constantly apologizing, that's a very bad sign.
•     If he or she pressures you to do things you're not comfortable with, that's a very bad sign. 
•     If he or she is incapable of an apology, press the dump button.

Stay far away from the rebound zone.

•     If he/she is always talking about his/her ex, he/she is not over the ex.  Even if he/she is always criticizing or complaining about the ex.  Back carefully away.
•     If he/she is still in love with someone else, he/she will not change his/her mind and fall in love with you.
•     If you are the first person he or she has dated since the previous relationship ended, it will almost certainly not work out, no matter how compatible you are.
•     If he/she is separated, he/she is still married.  Go in for a fling, if you want, but don't get your hopes up for anything more. 
•     Just because he/she has already had one rebound relationship, does not necessarily mean he or she is out of the rebound zone and ready for a relationship.
•     If he/she is still living with the "ex", stay far, far away.
•     If you are seriously interested in someone who is separated or just got out of a very serious relationship (especially the former), ask him or her this question:  "If X called and wanted to try to work things out, what would you say?"   You'd be surprised -- Grouchy Woman has found that people who don't suck usually answer this question honestly.  If the answer indicates in any way that there might be some possibility under any circumstances that he/she would ever consider trying to work things out with the ex, run.  Run now, run fast, unless all you want with this person is a fling.

Be straight up and honest about what you want and need -- with others and with yourself.

•     If something isn't working for you, say so.
•     If you want something, ask.
•     If you're wondering, ask.
•     If you're angry, speak up.
•     If you're afraid to speak up for fear you'll lose him or her, that's a very, very bad sign. 
•     If you're afraid to speak up because you're afraid of his or her reaction, that's an incredibly bad sign.
•     If you're just generally afraid to speak up, get some counseling.  You can't have a meaningful relationship if you don't learn to speak up.
•    If you screwed up, apologize.  The sooner, the better.
•    Don't try to pretend you want less than you do.
•    Don't settle for less than you want.

Don't be afraid to be alone. 

•    It's less lonely to be alone than in a relationship you don't want or a dysfunctional relationship.  And at the very least, you're free to find something better. 

Ask a Grouchy Woman: what can I say to make him feel like the asshole he is?

Dear Grouchy Woman:

My date stood me up this weekend.  This would have been our second date.  I waited home all evening for him -- I even turned down other plans -- and he never even called.  He still hasn't called or emailed. 

I'm fuming. I want to email this jackass and tell him off.  On the other hand, I'm wondering if maybe there was some kind of emergency or accident that caused him to miss the date.  What can I say to him to make him understand that I don't put up with this kind of crap?

Sincerely,

Pathetic Idiotic Selfish Stooges Must Enrage Offended Fabulous Females 

* * * * *

Dear PISS ME OFF:

Nothing. 

Do nothing.  Say nothing.  Write nothing.  Don't waste one second responding to this guy. 

First of all, you imply that he conceivably might have had some valid excuse to stand you up without calling.  And of course he might.  Actually, I can think of several valid reasons for not calling:  (1) He suffered a fatal heart attack on the morning of your date.  (2) A crane collapsed on his building while he was shaving for your date, and he is still buried underneath the rubble.  (3) He was hit by a car on his way to meet you and has been in a coma ever since. (4) His refrigerator fell on top of him on the morning of your date, and although he wants desperately to call you, he is still trapped beneath it, with his cell phone just out of reach.     

Family emergency? Grouchy Woman's ass he had a family emergency!  Unless he's dead, in a coma or has been trapped somewhere without a cell phone this entire time, he should have called.  NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED.  Nothing else is acceptable.  If it was possible to call, he should have done so.  And if it was absolutely impossible (not inconvenient, but impossible) for him to call beforehand, he should have called as soon as humanly possible afterward to explain and apologize.  That's what we call, here in the advice business, being a grown-up and a decent, considerate human being. 

It is Grouchy Woman's painful duty to inform you that the odds are pretty damn slim that he's unconscious, trapped or dead.  Therefore, you should assume that what you're dealing with here is your basic common garden variety jackass.

What you do with a jackass is ignore him.  You should NOT call or email the jackass to tell him off.  You may think you're empowering yourself or showing him the error of his ways or showing him he can't mistreat you or making him feel bad, but in fact, you are doing the opposite.  In a jackass's world, emailing or calling him, even to tell him off, implies that you are hoping there might somehow be some kind of reasonable excuse for what he did, and that you might conceivably cut him some slack if he provided it.  That empowers him, not you.   

You're not going to make him feel bad.  He KNOWS he stood you up.  He did it deliberately.  He assumes you sat home waiting for at least a while, and I'm sure he knows you could have done something else instead.  And I'm sure he assumes his behavior would upset and inconvenience you.  Yet he couldn't even be bothered to send a last minute cancellation. Think about it.  At best, he simply didn't care.  At worst, he positively enjoyed the idea.

NOTHING you say will be a surprise to him, and if he can't feel the rudeness in his behavior already, NOTHING you say will move him.  To be blunt, if he actually cared what you thought, he wouldn't have done what he did. Or if he does care, he's a total fuckwit who gets his kicks out of playing with your head and trying to get a reaction.  So you accomplish NOTHING by contacting him.  If you extend any message at all to him -- even (or especially) a straight-out no-holds-barred "screw you" -- you are sending him the message that you care a lot more about him than he does about you, and that you are wasting emotion on him when he can't even take the time to come up with an excuse.  All that does is feed his ego.  He'll spread his chest and feel smug if you contact him, even (or especially) if you reproach him. 

He'll feel much more like a dumbass if you blow him off. Your dignity is best preserved by ignoring him.  That implies that you're too damn busy and in demand to have time to bother with jackasses, and that he's not worthy even of your anger. 

What if he contacts you?  The only way you give this guy the time of day again is if he calls you to tell you that he was dead, unconscious or in a coma.  Otherwise, blow him off.  If he emails you or leaves a voicemail message, don't answer.  Don't call him back unless his message specifically includes an apology AND an extremely good excuse for not calling. (Definitely call him back if he's been resurrected from the dead, by the way, because that will make for some very interesting conversation.) 

Grouchy Woman can just hear you now:  "but what if that IS what happened, and he just didn't want to leave it in a message?  Shouldn't I at least call him back to give him a chance to explain?"   Horseshit!  If something like this really did happen, and he's a decent, considerate guy, trust Grouchy Woman that he'd give at least a skeleton explanation in his message.  Wouldn't you, in the same situation? No matter how good his reason is, if he's not a total dipshit, he'll know that all YOU know is that he stood you up, and he'll hasten to explain himself.  If he doesn't leave some explanation in his message, he's got no decent excuse. 

If he calls you and you happen to pick up (which should happen only if you don't have caller ID, by the way), be coolly and neutrally polite. Act the way you'd act if some creepy dude you barely knew in high school called you out of the blue twenty years after you've graduated.  Don't even waste your time telling him off then.  Don't initiate any conversation -- let him flounder.  If he tries to pretend nothing happened and asks you out again, just say "No, thanks."  If he goes into some lame excuse (unless of course it IS something like he was hit by a train and has been unconscious ever since), listen to the end with complete silence.  Then say gently, "I'm sorry to hear that.  You should have called to let me know.  Anyway, thanks for telling me.  But I've got to go now."  And hang up.  Trust Grouchy Woman.   This will drive him nuts, and give him nothing to boast to his fuckwit friends about.  He'll be left wondering -- are you blowing him off because he blew you off, or because you were never that interested in him to begin with?  What better revenge, if you want revenge?

The only circumstance under which you should melt the frigid act is if he calls and launches into something like this, "I'm so sorry, Bertha.  I totally did not mean to stand you up.  I was kidnapped by terrorists and was only just released."  In that event, and in that event only, Grouchy Woman gives you her blessing to not only be nice to him, but also to go out with him again (although you should be extremely wary if he comes up with an excuse like that a second time). 

And if he was resurrected from the dead, maybe you should treat.

Sincerely,

Grouchy Woman

[P.S. -- You aren't by any chance hoping for a scenario like that Sex in the City episode where some guy stands Miranda up, she calls his number to tell him off and finds out he died, so she goes to the wake and then meets another guy there, are you?  Because if you'll recall, the guy she met at the wake was a first-class jackass.]

[P.P.S. -- Unacceptable excuses for standing you up without calling include, but are not limited to:  "I had a work emergency."  "My ex-wife dumped the kids on me and I had to take care of them." "An old friend came into town unexpectedly," and "I forgot it was my mother's birthday party that night."  Each one of those excuses might be an acceptable reason for rescheduling the date, but not one of them excuses him from calling beforehand to cancel.  Grouchy Woman knows she is a hard-ass, but she thinks that even if the excuse is "I had to take my mother to the hospital", it would have been possible for him to find two seconds to call you sometime that same night.  However, she'd cut him slack if there was a serious emergency (as opposed to, say, a broken toe).  She can see how in the crisis, while fearing for his mother's life, he might forget about his date.  The broken toe, not so much.

 

Ask a Grouchy Woman: Anger Management My Ass!

Dear Grouchy Woman:

I am sick of these ignorant, pigeon-brained, back-stabbers and ingrates telling me I have an “anger management” problem.  If it weren’t for people like me, they would all be living in hovels and shoveling manure to earn a scrap of bread.  They should be GRATEFUL, do you hear me?  Oh, and that sniveling court appointed dip-of-a-shrink seems to think I am “paranoid, obsessive, with both persecutory and grandiose delusions” whatever the hell that load of hooey is supposed to mean.  Where do these ingrates and pretenders think they’d be without folks like me?  Standing in food lines and ruled by degenerate, godless criminals, that’s where.  We had it Better with Reagan! Serve America to the Death!

Sincerely,

Harriet Christian

* * * * *

Dear HC:

Those damn fool liberals didn't know when they had it good.  It would serve them right if you took your daddy's hunting rifle and showed them all what's what.

Sincerely,

Grouchy Woman

Ask a Grouchy Woman: Why Must the Cheese Stand Alone?

Dear Grouchy Woman:

Why, why, why must the cheese stand alone?

Sincerely,
 
Le Vieux Boulogne

* * * * *

Dear LVB:

Ah, friend.  Since some long-forgotten hairy ancestor first pressed the teats of a mammal with trembling fingers and allowed the resulting emission to curdle into the reeking mass we call "cheese," mankind has gazed into the vastness of the heavens and implored the answer to that question.   It is said that each person must find his own answer to this conundrum.  Grouchy Woman advises you to take a deep breath, preferably while you're standing well upwind from any particularly ripe Gorgonzola, and search within the depths of your heart and your refrigerator for the solution.

Sincerely,

Grouchy Woman

Ask a Grouchy Woman: Mayonnaise as a hair treatment?

Dear Grouchy Woman:

Should I use mayonnaise on my hair as a conditioner?

Sincerely,

Conditioning Hair  Effortlessly And Pricelessly

* * * * *

Dear CHEAP:

Not unless your hair is made of tuna.

Seriously, mayonnaise may indeed condition your hair, but why would you want your hair to smell like mayonnaise?  For a couple of dollars more, you can avoid smelling like lunch.

Sincerely,

Grouchy Woman.